Posted by: Jerry Garrett | January 24, 2010

If Up in the Air’s Ryan Bingham Fired Conan O’Brien

Comedian Steve Carell conducted a very clever mock “exit interview” with Conan O’Brien, the former host of NBC’s “The Tonight Show” on his final night on the air. Of course, this one was for laughs. What about the real “exit interview”?

Steve Carell

You know there had to be one. And of course when you need a real “exit interview”, done right, you call in the professionals of Career Transition Counseling. For the really tough ones, you want the best: Ryan Bingham. Today, Mr. Bingham has been joined by his associate, Natalie Keener.

Let's call in the pros from CTC

Mr. Bingham: Mr. O’Brien, today is your last day here at NBC.

Mr. O’Brien: This is because of my hair, isn’t it?

Ms. Keener: Mr. O’Brien…

Mr. Bingham: More importantly, Mr. O’Brien, this is the first day of your new life.

Mr. O’Brien: …because I’m Irish.

Mr. Bingham: This is not a time for blame. Your position simply no longer exists.

Mr. O’Brien: …because I wouldn’t mow Jeff Zucker’s lawn?

Ms. Keener: There’s no blame here.

Mr. O’Brien: Is that supposed to make me feel better? I work here for 17 years and they send some fourth grader and her sidekick in here to can me?

Ms. Keener: It’s perfectly normal to be upset. However, the sooner you tell yourself there are greater opportunities waiting for you, the sooner your future can begin.

Mr. O’Brien: What am I supposed to tell my wife? My children? What am I supposed to do?

Mr. Bingham: Please take the next week or so to explore this strategy packet. Fill out the skill set work sheet. Use the hopes and dreams diagram. And the tree of aspirations.

Mr. O’Brien: “Tree of Aspirations”? WTF?

Mr. Bingham: The answers are all in there.

Mr. O’Brien: And what do you suggest I tell my kids?

Mr, O'Brien greets unidentified fan

Ms. Keener: Perhaps you’re underestimating the positive effect your career transition can have on your children.

Mr. O’Brien: Positive effect?

Ms. Keener: Well, tests have shown that children under moderate trauma tend to apply themselves academically, as a method of coping.

Mr. O’Brien: What about my audience?

Mr. Bingham: Your audience’s admiration is important to you?

Mr. O’Brien: Yeah, it was.

Mr. Bingham: Chances are, Mr. O’Brien, I doubt your audience ever admired you. Your audience was never that big.

Mr. O’Brien: Hey, a-hole, aren’t you here to console me?

Mr. Bingham: I’m not a shrink, Mr. O’Brien, I’m a wake-up call. Not everyone gets this kind of opportunity. The chance for rebirth. If not for yourself, do it for your fans.

Ms. Keener: Please take the packet, Mr. O’Brien. Inside the packet, you’ll find a clearly worked out severance package: Three months pay, six months medical, a full year’s placement services.

Mr. O’Brien: Placement services? That’s sweet.

Ms. Keener: Commonly, it takes one month of searching for every ten thousand dollars you expect to earn in salary.

Mr. O’Brien: That’d take 800 months!?! Screw that. Anybody got the switchboard number at Fox?

Mr. Bingham: Oh, and one final thing, Mr. O’Brien: What’s in your backpack?

Mr. O’Brien: Office supplies.

Pause

Mr. O’Brien: Oh, and 32-point-5 million dollars.

Jerry Garrett

January 25, 2010


Responses

  1. Great adoption of these characters 🙂

  2. Steve Carell is brilliant!


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